3 Ways to Have More Patience with Your Spouse

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1. Bring it Back to Self

On the surface, this seems like a selfish move, but when I encourage you to bring it back to yourself, I'm asking that you pause long enough to recognize a few key things:

1. What is your underlying goal in this conversation/argument?

2. What was the tip of the iceberg for you?

3. What was the root cause of any built-up frustration or resentment?

Outside of abusive relationships, rarely is an argument only one party's fault. Both, though in differing capacities, are to blame for a tiff. Maybe your initial goal was to solve a real problem, but you've allowed anger to take control, so your new goal is to undermine and degrade your spouse. Perhaps you've decided to let something petty, like a loose chicken, ignite an argument because you haven't taken the time to communicate a deeper issue beforehand. Do you have underlying feelings of loneliness, rejection, or guilt rooted deep in your heart, impacting how you view your life partner?

If neither party has been honest with themselves, and neither is willing to face their issues, the whole relationship can't move forward. It's like expecting a wheel to work when half the cogs are missing. It's not only pointless, but dangerous.

2. Find a Routine Time for Hard Discussions

Patience is a divine, cultivated fruit of the Spirit because it requires practice from a willing individual, so it's no surprise that humans aren't naturally patient. Nothing brings this truth to the surface quite like marriage (and loose-running chickens).

Marriage is the union of two imperfect people learning to grant grace after grace and receive that same grace after grace for the rest of their lives. It's a vow before God because we need a sacred, holy obligation to keep us tethered to each other, especially on our worst days. However, one thing I've learned about hard days is that it's hard to "fix" a problem or resolve issues when everyone is frustrated, fearful, or angry (or even just hungry).

This is why it's essential to recognize when your spouse is most receptive to discussing a problem. My husband, for example, is mentally drained by ten each night. If he's had a hard day or we have gotten into a tiff, I've learned that we won't be solving any issues after ten. He simply doesn't have the headspace for it. It's taken a few years, but I understand him a bit better now. And I respect that I can't expect him to be at his best late at night.

Likewise, I'm in no mood for conflict resolution if I feel my son has unmet needs. If he still needs dinner or a bath, I am far-pressed to simultaneously have an intense, deeply personal conversation. I need quiet. I need everyone to sit still and make eye contact. (I also need snacks.)

Humans are, indeed, creatures of habit. We have rhythms and routines, both internally with our bodies and externally in how we navigate our day-to-day lives. Thus, it only makes sense that we find a routine time for hard discussions, maximizing our time to ensure we have the best possible outcome in our conversations.

Here are a few simple steps to discover the best time to have hard conversations with your spouse:

1. Ask. Remember the first few months of dating, when most conversations were dominated by each of you asking questions to get to know one another? Well, it's much the same here. Sure, the topics aren't as random or fun, but we feel special, seen, and loved when someone asks us personal questions.

2. Tell. Just as you ask your spouse when it's best for them to sit down and have a hard conversation, be upfront about when it's best for you to have a conversation. It does no good if one person is ready for the conversation when the other isn't. Often, that only makes conflicts worse. Be honest and voice when/where/how you're able to have healthy conversations.

3. Maximize the "before." Don't waste your time if you have to wait all day to have that hard talk with your spouse. Until then, spend a few moments in prayer and personal reflection. This creates accountability and humility, which are never bad attributes to carry into conflict resolution.

3. Have Some Fun Together

It's easier to have patience with someone you like. Notice that I didn't say "love," but "like." Love is often the gritty action that requires us to dig our feet in deep when things get hard, refusing to give up or give in. Like is often the light-hearted, airy aspect of a relationship that keeps things fun amid the hard.

Liking your spouse sounds obvious, maybe even comical, but, if I'm honest, there have been plenty of days when I haven't liked my spouse, and I'm sure he has had days when he felt the same about me.

Nonetheless, it's important to like your spouse as much as you love them. I know that date nights are scarce when the kiddos are little or jobs are stressful. Financial concerns are often looming, something is almost always leaking or broken with the house or car, and having fun almost sounds exhausting. But don't make having fun with your spouse a chore. Make it a healthy, routine part of your marriage.

Even if you're on a budget or one partner is struggling with health concerns, there are countless ways for you to have fun as a couple. Here are a few brainstorming ideas to get started:

1. Create a "fun jar." On scraps of paper, each of you lists fun things you would like to do and places them in the jar. Once a week, take turns drawing out a piece of paper and doing what the paper says. This ensures that both partners have the chance to do something they enjoy. It also allows each of you to learn something new about your spouse.

2. Make a themed bucket list. Maybe it's places you want to visit near your town or recipes you want to try, but create a bucket list together that you can check off. That might look like a giant day trip to visit new places or a mismatched buffet dinner, but have some fun trying to complete your bucket list together.

3. Take turns hosting a "yes day." Yes Day is a 2021 movie in which the parents grant the kids an entire day of having their wishes granted. No matter what the kids ask, the parents have to say yes. Naturally, things can get a little silly, but that's the point! Take turns hosting a yes day for one another so each of you has a day that allows you to feel seen, enjoyed, and celebrated.

It's easy for us to grow most impatient with our spouse. After all, we spend the most time with them and must deal with them at their worst. But isn't that the whole point in entering a union that's meant to reflect the love of Christ? Life is hard and requires great patience, no matter who we are with, so why not grant our spouse the gift of committed, practiced patience through self-reflection, intentional time for hard discussions, and a chance at some fun?

Related Resource: 7 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently

Move over, stereotypes! Yes, it's a fact that men and women communicate differently. However, not all gender communication styles are the same. Joining us is my husband, Shaun, who, in his own special way, helps to explain the differences in how men and women communicate. If you're having a bad day, this episode is sure to cheer you up.If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to The Rebuilding Us Podcast on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!